Monday, November 28, 2005
of dwindling hope
there are days when everything's just going right.then there are days when something plummets your hopes straight down the drain.
i hate feeling the latter just when you're all psyched up, ears all perked up from the excitement only to discover something's not actually the way you'd wanted it to be.
maybe someone's advice was right. i should stop whining and complaining when i haven't really tried all that hard, when i haven't really waited all that long, when i haven't really had much faith believing roads have been mapped out for me. why bother giving me a candy and taking it away before i could actually taste it? so that i know i can have a candy if i wanted? so that i know maybe the candy's not good for me? so that i know i can't have the things i want? why?
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i secretly enjoy something called self mutilation. the emotional pain numbs when the physical comes in. multiple piercings, tattoos, clipping non existent nails and cuticles. the mind's been so conditioned it doesn't even register much anymore. i've tried stopping myself but it's hard as you need another form of distraction and i've yet to find that new form. and on the contrary, the stress ball irks me more than it calms. and i've found a better use for it, a needle holder.
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hate people reminding me of my problems when i'm already up to my eyeballs drowning in them. the next time you put me down by belittling me and coercing me into your industry, i will so fucking lose what self-preservation i have and scream. christmas is coming. just let me spend my only favourite time of the year smiling, not crying.
music: accuradio's holiday jazz
bee wrote this at 8:18 PM
2peekaboos
bee said...
heya, thanks. schizo? nah, i'm really "nice" in person. *guffaws*
